How to Lie (Professionally)
This particular blog post really should sit in our humor category. Unfortunately, it can’t because it’s a serious set of instructions designed to help those who insist on being fallacious, but aren’t very good at it. Instead of being convincing, amateur liars come off as confused, panicky, and just plain ol’ “Romney” weird. Fortunately, this article will help.
If you’re not a liar at all, but you want to be, take heart. At the end of its reading, you, too, shall know how to not only lie, but lie so professionally, you’ll outwit, outplay, and outlast even the coyest of your opponents.
So let’s begin. There will be no test. No Q&A. No autographs. This information is provided for your own personal use only, which means you’d better take a second look at this site’s disclaimer if you haven’t already.
Rule #1: Cover Erase Your Tracks
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NOTE: This information is not for the sensitive-hearted! Nor is it for those who tell the truth! Honest Abes should click away now! Lickety-split and double-quick! |
Never document your activities or perform any type of work on a system that automatically does this for you. Documentation – even virtual documentation – is a paper trail that will contradict every wink and smile you throw at your mediator.
If you accidentally document something, destroy it immediately. Get a thick marker, and black-line every piece of evidence against you. Corrupt files, blame the truth on a mad fit of typos, or set a magnet next to your hard drive. Do whatever it takes to remove anything that might suggest what you’re claiming is as credible as a Paul Burrows testimony.
Rule #2: Repeat “It Wasn’t Me”
Never take responsibility, and always blame your inability to tell the truth on something other than yourself. Blame another person or simply blame the entire process. This removes all stains of obligation from you onto an innocent 3rd party. It’s an admittedly risky strategy, however, since the 3rd party may know full well that there’s nothing wrong with the process. But try it anyway. The 3rd party might doubt itself and give you the benefit of the same doubt as a result.
Instead of saying something like, “My intentions were to circumvent policy and break service rules,” for example, you can say something like, “There’s something wrong with this website, as I’ve tried to repeatedly click the appropriate buttons without success.” The applicable card to play here is the ‘Breakup With Your Girlfriend’ card, where clearly, “It’s not me – it’s you.”
Blaming the victim for failing to perform adds a little flavor as well. Make it appear as if the opposing party is at fault for not changing their methods to accommodate yours. You must convince people that your methods are much more important than your enemy’s. Failing to do that will place you on the same playing field of your opponent, and that’s one place professional liars never want to be. If it helps, stand on your tippy-toes or use a little extra mousse on that hair. Be taller, higher, more important. Society trusts tall people.
Rule #3: Confuse Everyone Involved
Make every statement an ambiguous one. This will leave everything you say open to delicious interpretation. Facts and specifics work against professional liars, and we heard they give them hives too. So create a bunch of loopholes and stretch them as wide as you can. That way, you can take a dive and create a bunch of unnecessary confusion when things get rough.
Be aware that these loopholes should be reproducible, like computer error messages on steroids When one doesn’t work, you can dive right into another one. But don’t create just any ol’ loopholes. Your loopholes have to intersect each other and create doorways that lead to an abyss of such disarray, no one can tell you’re lying about anything because you’ve lost them along the way.
Rule #4: Avoid Digesting Sour Grapes
Pretend you were never impressed with your opponent’s efforts in the first place. And NEVER EVER EVER imply that you want to continue working with someone who has let you down, because that makes you smell like a phony. Phonies smell like Silly Putty and hot dogs. Dump that!
Remember, the goal here is to look, sound, taste, feel, and yes, even smell like a professional liar. Professional liars smell like brand new cars.
They don’t want more of what was never good enough. Not in public! So throw your nose up into the air, and pretend you received rinds of pork instead of Wagyu steak. Curl up your upper lip, and cast away those rinds with your right hand. The right-hand is good, but the left hand isn’t, as it has always been historically associated with liars. Well, that and sinners… demons… your average s.o.b.
Rule #6: Time is Critical
Keep a consistent time-table. The ability to remember relevant dates and times is what separates professional liars from the dabblers. So never forget your timelines. Use a calendar if necessary. Super-glue an alarm clock to your head so it can remind you to lie on time. Don’t make the amateurish mistake of claiming events happened recently when they really happened months ago. And don’t claim you received something as late as “yesterday” when you were nowhere to be found for weeks at a time.
Rule #7: Practice! Practice! Practice!
Practice lying as much as you can. Practice makes perfect. Practice will get you a job in Congress. Well… that is if there are any seats available. If not, it will at least make you an Internet star. Professional liars get a million Twitter followers and Facebook fans overnight. Oh, and they get lots of YouTube likes, too.
With enough skill, you could say something as lame as, “Giving up on something is the same thing as putting it down,” and people will LOVE you for it. They’ll deafen your ears with mad applause! They’ll cling onto your every breath, desperate to hear the next pearl of wisdom fall from your crooked mouth. And it’s Okay!
But wait… we’re getting off topic… On to the last trick of the trade.
Rule #8: There’s Power in Numbers
Get people to support your lies. Pay them if you have to. I heard a bunch of them can be bought for just five bucks. Online!!!
If all of this sounds like waaaaay too much work, then cop out. Quit the band. Pack up and leave the whole idea. You’ve got only one choice left at this point, buddy, and that’s to tell the truth.
External Resources:
1. 10 Easy Ways To Spot A Liar
2. Why People Don’t Tell the Truth. And How You Can Catch Them
3. I Can Read You Like a Book
Yee-haw! I like the way you think partner!