Is Google Our New Heather?

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Google revamped its webmaster requirements (again) in an attempt to improve the quality of its search results. And although these new requirements are really common sense principles, they have us suspicious of the company’s increasing grip around our professional self-esteem. (That is, “our,” as in “the collection of content providers, web designers, and anyone else daring to forge an online presence…” and “self-esteem,” as in “the belief in oneself to contribute something useful independent of being told where, when, why, and how.”)

Yes, each and every single web page should offer value. We get that. What we dread, however, is how far Google will try to shape our perception of whether we’re adequately accommodating its demands. It’s as if we’re all vying for Google’s coveted approval that’s for the most part, unremittingly dependent upon what “Heather” says. Consider the following:

Splogs Are Out! Academic Is In!

Like a parent disciplining a child’s naughty behavior, Google slapped down splogs and black hat SEO techniques that propelled web spam to the top of keyword search results. That was a no-brainer business decision, and there’s no reason to question it. But like a clan of popular fourth-year students, Google now proposes to crown those who may ascend into its cum laude search results by using some awfully subjective standards — standards such as trust, importance, originality, comfort, and care.

Those aren’t bad standards by any means, however, there’s a significant chance that your ideas of what meets those standards are different from John’s ideas, Jane’s ideas, our ideas, and of course, Google’s. That difference is what’s going to determine your search engine position, and if you’ve ever been snubbed for wearing the “wrong” kind of jeans in 10^th grade, or, heaven forbid, sporting a generic book bag instead of the Izod kind with the suede bottom, then you have a good reason to worry about your ‘crowning.’

The New Black and Friends Like That

Some of Google’s new standards can’t be quantified by an algorithm, which is why the company now uses human quality raters to determine SERPs instead of some weird calculus formula that no one understands.

Seriously, Google??

And according to some sources, anything these raters interpret as an advanced academic dissertation is “the new black.” Bonus points for bringing along retweets, “likes,” return visits, low bounce rates, and high click-throughs, of course. You’re so in there with “friends” like that.

But wait…

Haven’t we all seen this clique before? And didn’t we learn that being in a clique is akin to signing over your freedom of speech, appearance, behaviors, and associates to the Heathers? We have a real reason to be concerned here because the last time we watched the movie, Heather I, II and III drove poor Veronica to unspeakable acts with their ever-increasing lust for dominance.

In other words, because Google’s control over what is and what isn’t ‘acceptable’ doesn’t stop at its search engine, we’re concerned with where it will hit next. Both AdWords advertisers and AdSense publishers are already subject to the company’s demands. Google bloggers are too. Could Gmail and Google Chrome OS users be next? Will the Heathers reign like Rome?

Just picture it:

Supplemental Results, Folders, and Internet Connections

Websites that don’t fit within Google’s acceptance ring are sent to search engine jail (supplemental results). That’s a good thing since every site in there pretty much deserves it. But what if Gmail users become subject to similar ‘penalties?’

What if our value as email-worthy netizens becomes dependent on the word count of our messages, our spelling and grammar, our recipients, senders, or number of replies and forwards? What if it’s determined that our email usage doesn’t meet Google’s demand for trust, importance, originality, comfort, and care? Will we lose our Gmail accounts? Will our email be delivered after everyone else’s is delivered? Will our email be shoved into a “supplemental folder” as a result?

What if Chrome OS users are subject to the same? What if the value of Chrome OS-worthy users becomes dependent on their usage, the types of websites they visit, the ads they click, the amount of time that they spend online? And what if it’s determined that their usage doesn’t demonstrate Google’s standards of trust, importance, originality, comfort, and care? Will they lose their internet access? Will their access be confined within just a few hours of use? Will they receive “supplemental” internet access? (Not sure how that would work!)

Yikes! Where does it stop?

What’s Hot and What’s Not

Current events can be found in our Google Panda News section.

We don’t know about you, but we hope the current break from Google’s Panda development will become permanent. These new standards must not be pushed any further than where they’ve already gone because this subjective judgment, this popularity contest, this “What’s Hot and What’s Not” competition essentially borders on dictatorship…

“…Heather style.”

And we left high school a looooooong time ago.

External Resources:

1. In The Plex: How Google Thinks, Works, and Shapes Our Lives
2. The Confessions of Google Employee Number 59